Camping Combs

Mary & Me ~ lil monkey's in a tree!

Oh Mary..... I have so many memories! Mom tells me how happy I was when you were born. She said I loved you and loved helping whenever I could. You were born to let me be your big sis. I get so sad when I think of the times we were seperated. First when you moved to Texas with Mom when mom & dad got divorced, then when I moved to Houston from San Antonio when I was 16 to live with our dad, when I went to college and never moved back home & then finally when I moved to New York when I was 29. So many times apart... but then I think of the wonderful times we WERE together. Those are the times I cherish. Those are the times I focus on.

We were so blessed to have each other!

So many memories are around the times when dad would take us camping or to his civil war re-enactments.

We were some camping fools :)!

Tent building, air raft blowing, beans & frank cooking, swimming, roasting smores and playing on the playground.

That's what I'm thinking about right now.... I loooooved being your big sis. Mainly because of your love you had for me. I miss you Mary!

My Sister, My Friend

(this was the last picture ever taken with you.... the morning you got to go home....11-11-07)

My heart feels light, my eyes wet with sorrow, my body weak with sadness....at moments my life feels hollow!

I miss you so much sweet Mary! In your eyes I did no wrong. You put me on a cloud and loved me unconditionally. I am blessed with alot of love from my family and friends, but none like yours. You made me feel like a star even when I had no shine! I felt the same way about you lil sis. I saw no faults, only struggles. I tried to help but I couldn't help you in time. I know you are still with me and give me signs for me to see. For that I am grateful, but I can't help but to miss you. There is no'one like you (well, Kelsey comes pretty close ~ We will see!), my unique and beautiful sister and friend!

For some life is long -in matter of quantity of time!

For others life is
short with quality of time.

That was you ~ You lived life short and fast. So many accomplishments, so many hurdles conquered and so many blessings. You brought two beautiful children into this world and gave them the foundation they needed. They are strong Mary, just like you and will never forget you. Your love and qualities have been embedded. I love them like they're my own and will never leave them. If I could have them I would!

You, Me & Dad makes three

You must be so happy.... being with dad again!

I miss dad so
very much!

My wedding plans seem to be missing something.... I was waiting for you Mary.

You were supposed to be my maid of honor - standing by my side.

Well, that's okay, Kelsey will stand in for you. You're lil spit fire! She is not going to let anyone forget you is what I was told....LOL, I believe it :).... me neither!

Having David give me away is really special. We all have a plan and a place right?

Yeah, I've never been one to go "by the book" or "followed the A-typical plan", thank goodness in this case. I don't mind improv or compromise!

How lucky am I to still have you & dad - as my Angels.

I know you both are there ~ Crystal Nicole too.

(I got your message too lil Crystal & I can't wait!)

Blue Signs of Mary

The signs are here, the signs are there, they're everywhere!
Red cardinals, blue spirit balls, answered wishes and heartfelt feelings....

A nest you made, in my tree

outside my door, for me to see!


Thank you Mary for not leaving me.


Blue balls of light, caught on film, brings you to my sight.
At Grandma's grave, you were so brave to show yourself ~ I see you Mary!



Thank you for not leaving me.



I love you more than words can say and just because your body's not here, I know it's in my heart your here to stay!

Thank you for your Visit

Dear Mary,

Momma called me today and told me how she felt your presence with her today in her car.

She thought she was going crazy, but your spirit was so "heavy" as she described it, that she didn't care if she seemed like she was going crazy. She felt you. What a beautiful thing sis, she so needed to feel your spirit to rest her soul. She felt a sense of peace and serenity after that. How incredible life is. Your loss is devastating, but we know we have only lost your physical self, your spirit lives on. Our eyes are being opened and our spirits are coming alive.

There is so much more than just this life on earth.

I love you so much..... I feel you everywhere ~ all the time! We are like one soul.

I saw the cardinals again yesterday, as I was throwing out the garbage. They flew past me and sat on the fence of the sump and just starred at me. Just enough time for me to feel at peace.

I feel so blessed.

I love the way you are everywhere!

Love,

Jeni

Memories for MOM

I spoke to Momma today.

She was crying for you. She was talking about missing her little Mary. She cried for some signs to know you are okay. Please do what you can!

During her cries, she was talking about us at Disneyland and going through "It's a Small world" and loving Disneyland.

I had to run home and post these pictures of that time she cried about!

She mentioned LoJolla Beach, California too.

So many memories..........

How interesting that she mentioned these two particular times in our life and I happened to have them scanned to share.



This seems to be the era to remember. . . . .
I was talking to my sister Lisa on Sunday, reminissing about life with Mary in Long Beach, California. How close we were and the things we would do.

How we would hide in the closet when we got scared. We would get ALL our stuffed animals, huddle close together and sing "Jesus Loves Me" & "Cumbyah my Lord" ~ songs we learned in Sunday School.

As we were talking, the biggest brightest red cardinal flew into the tree just 5 feet in front of me. I was speechless. Then a female cardinal followed right behind. I just stared at the beautiful birds so close to me and screeled with delight in Lisa's ear. Before I finished admiring or even wondering if they were real, they were gone!

Oh Mary, so beautiful, so sweet & so fast. Just a flash, that's all I got.

Life is like that too: Beautiful * Sweet * Fast!

Momma misses you Mary ~ We all miss you!

Notes to Mary

In addition to my blog, I write lil notes; sweet thoughts, to Mary when I'm thinking about her and just need to say Hi or whisper something in her ear. I know she gets them!! I filled this page up & started a new one last month. I just thought I would share it on my Mary blog. It's just one of my many ways to help me heal and most importantly, to keep our Mary's spirit alive.

She is with us! I feel her presence all the time and just love it when she sends me signs. (Not just cardinals either ~ which by the way still come into my path just when I need them! Amazing!)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY~

I don't always get to know why things happen.

I may spend hours, even days, trying to figure out why bad things

have happened to me.

I may get caught up in trying to understand other people, situations,

and even my own thoughts.

Today I will accept that

I don't have to know why things are the way they are.

Instead I can pay attention to

healing, growing, and learning!

Forgiveness

I've been told that I need to forgive.... I know I do. I know I need to let go of what "should have been" and "what could have been". It was what it was. I don't blame Mary's judge for what she did, but I have felt strongly about how her situation was handled. The trial and conviction by the judge who handled Mary's situation had upset me tremendously. Her life was in his hands. The situation is too long to describe in my blog. It doesn't matter now. My way of expressing forgiveness is by writing a letter to this judge. I will be happy to share:

Dear Judge Walker,

I'm sure you know that my sister, Mary McCraw took her life on March 22, 2008. She had some demons she was dealing with. You did not help her with your mandate to jail. It may not be your place to look at a person's past record of life to determine the level of punishment, that is too bad. Mary did not have any sort of record. She was a teacher, a mother, an inspiration to all who came in contact with her.I hope you learn about the disease of addiction. It is not pretty. It is not prejudice, it gets the best of us. Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers.... Mary's was a late progression. There was hope, she was going to get better. Do you know Mary got beat up, molested and robbed in jail? Maybe you don't have any sorrow. I wouldn't expect you too.

I just wanted you to know that I have forgiven you for not stepping down from my sisters case when you should have. Because of your close relationship with her in-laws, there was serious conflict of interest. You treated Mary as if she was a hardened repeat offender... She didn't have a chance with you as her judge. No Mercy. So so sad. Well,we know who the real judge is. She is with him now! I pray for you and hope you learn the difference between someone who is sick and someone who is bad.

I don't blame you for Mary's death, but I do acknowledge the wrongful sentence you chose for a sweet soul that needed help, not shackles. She made a couple bad choices but you broke her. She's at peace now and I guess I have you to thank for that.

You can be angry for my words or you can put it behind you and make a difference in everything you do from this day forward. May God be with you in your work and home. I believe you get back what you put out there.

A Loving Sister,

Jeni

Moments to Love

Two Beans from the same pot

Kelsey, Kelsey Kelsey~ so funny! I have to write about her thoughts on Chili that she mentioned to me the other day. I laughed so hard!

I asked Kelsey the other night what she was having for supper. Her reply was:

"We're having left over chili, but it doesn't have ANY beans. What the heck are
people thinking of making a chili without beans! It's not chili without
beans!"

I nearly fell out of my seat laughing. Only because just the week before Chad & I were grocery shopping picking out some chili to make with macaroni noodles (mine & Mary's way - we loooooved Chili mac), and Chad picked out some chili with-out beans. I had the same emotional reaction Kelsey had. Pure passion about the fact that:

"It's not chili if it has no beans!"

I told him so! Almost word for word what Kelsey said to me. So many lil things like that bring me closer to my sweet lil neice. She is a lil replica of Mary & has alot of my personality too. I cried sweet tears when I hung up the phone and swore I would never forget that moment that bonded me to my neice so many miles away.

Week of Emotions

I've been so busy.... I've had blog withdrawl!
Let me tell you about it by emotion:
HAPPY
10/31 Chad & I pick up my engagement ring
11/1 Mom's B-day & Chad & I look at two places for our ceremony
11/2 We realize we have to find a place asap to get a decent date so we drive by & visit 7 more places on our list ~ We decide on a place & a date (MY 40th B-day)
SCARED
11/3 My baby nephew MAX fell out of his baby carrier & is rushed to hospital. Max has surgery & is in ICU...
WORRIED
11/3 Frantic about my brother, I had been calling & texting him for 2 1/2 days to tell him so much news. Finally get ahold of him 11/4.
During all this time I'm worried about Max & about Lisa
INDIFFERENT
11/4 Brian tells me he has asked his girlfriend to marry him...i worry about how Kelsey & Brett are taking the news. It's been 7 months since Mary's death.
GRIEF
11/5 - 11/7 I've had several "Mary attacks" - that's where I just think of Mary & start crying.