Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cardinal Christmas!

I was blessed with a cardinal the day Mary died and now I am swarmed by them ~ Males Females ~ side by side. Sometimes one male with two females ~ other times one at a time. Once I even had four females, 2 cardinals and even a blue jay! Never in the 5 years I've lived here have I seen any of this!!

I am comforted and surrounded by love!

The cardinal has become my symbol and its one I love. It used to be stars, but now it's red! Thank you Mary for staying with me and bringing extra support.

I guess if i had to name the spirits, I would start like this:


All the people I loved & lost!

Not really lost I see, only physically. I'm grateful to see and blessed to be - a recipient to the world of my loved ones spiritually!

Monday, December 29, 2008

My Dream ~ My Angel

I had a dream this morning...

I was going to visit Mary.

I'm not sure where it was, but for some reason I thought it was a hospital or jail, but in my dream as I got there, my feeling changed.
I walked into an open room with round tables at one end of it and open space in the middle. It was a warm feeling I got when I entered it. Mary walked over to me with a smile so spiritually warm I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was taking in every detail of her. She had her old body back. The fit muscular build she had for so many years before she got too skinny. She looked so confident and strong, yet sweet. Her hair was soft, long and blonde. The way you would picture an angels hair. Hers was straight with no bangs just like always. Her complextion was startling soft. So pure! Like a babies new born skin. She had a beutiful baby pink gloss to her lips.
I looked deep into her eyes to see how she was.
That kind of look that saw into her soul.

I was looking for the oh so familiar pain I had grown to know for so many years. I was amazed that I couln't see any. I was happy but stunned.... for so many years that she was alive, I saw past her cheerful smile and energy and felt her inner pain. I didn't see any of that in my dream. It was peace I saw. Serenity ~ so Beautiful!! I woke up crying. . . . .

We didn't speak with words, it was as if we spoke telepathically. She guided my gaze with her eyes to a table in the distance that she had walked from. There was a young girl/lady sitting there with her back to us in a sorrowful slump with her head bowed - as if in emotional pain. A pain I felt that was close to home. Mary said "Look Jeni, a girl as beautiful as you - and I'm helping her". Mary was so happy and proud about it and I felt like she was doing what she was meant to do. It was a sign.

Mary is Beautiful, she is very much alive in Spirit,

she is an Angel doing good!

Sunday, December 21, 2008



There is so much love for you everywhere. You've left an imprint of your life for everyone to remember....some people have some really difficult shoes to fill. It's hard not to compare your ways to everyone who comes close. Your love, your energy, your beauty and your heart!

Your husband misses you sis! It breaks my heart to hear his broken heart. He asked me today if he will be with you in Heaven! Your kids miss you! It's not right that your not here! You already know how much I miss you, mom misses you, Lisa & David misses you....Chad & Victor too!
You may be gone, but you are not forgotten. I receive the signs and I feel lucky and blessed. I pray for you and I pray that you give some peace to Brian ~ he misses his lil Mary. Struggles and all. The way you made him feel was undeniably Loved... To be loved by you was such a treat. You truly made us feel special. You had that gift and because of you, so did we.
We miss you so much. It's going to be a Mary Christmas this year!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Thoughtful Mary missed

The Holidays are sad this year without you Mary....

I pulled out some ornaments and came across the one you sent to me December 2004 ~

The year Chad and I got back together! It was so thoughtful of you... you were so happy we were back together you bought a sweet ornament with a fairytale couple in a globe full of snow. You were always so giving and caring like that.

I come across alot of lil Mary gifts..... It's so hard to believe you aren't here anymore.
You were a gift sweet sis and its our memories i will cherish forever!

Remember: "I never saw faults sis, only struggles" ~ you were perfect to me!

I love you! I love you! I love you!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

My Cardinals

I haven't mentioned lately how I have had sooo many cardinals living around me. I am surrounded by them. Everytime I try to take a picture they fly away or I don't get good shots through my window.

This past monday there were 4 females, a male & even a blue jay! I have been blessed so many times now... i wish i could take a picture with my eyes.

I even walked outside at 2am and heard her chirp her so familiar chirp I've grown to know .... who knew she was awake at 2am!

Here is one i did get......

Snow for Kelsey & Brett

12-11-08 It snowed for Kelsey & Brett ~ in BEAUMONT, TEXAS!!!!
It's been many many years since that happened. What a special Christmas treat for them.
When I spoke to Kelsey a week ago, it was snowing here in NY & she was so excited & so jealous - she said she wished it snowed there.... well, she got her wish!

Thanks Mary!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad

Today is the day 65 years ago.... my dad was born!

What a very special day to celebrate. The world was blessed by his presence for 49 of them and I was blessed with 24 of mine with him! He is still with me in my heart & in spirit.

I know he's not alone today.... He is in Heaven with Our Father, his mom & dad, my precious sister Mary, baby Crystal, his brother Ricky and many many more!

I'm sure everyday is a celebration in Heaven ~ as it should be here. Either way, today's a day a I like to give thanks for my dad's Birthday. Without him, there would be no me.

What a wonderful dad I had! Thank you Dad for teaching me all that you did and encouraging me in all that I did and loving me unconditionally!

Happy Birthday Dad!

I love you with all my heart as much as I did when you were here!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Not too long ago....

Not too long ago seems like a lifetime ago. What I would give for "not too long ago". This was taken at Lisa's wedding 2003~ look at you!! So beautiful!
You just kept getting prettier & prettier even though you never needed to.

I was having a tough time then and learned that trip that you were too. You kept so much hidden for so long sis. You didn't have to. You knew what I was going through and you just loved me through it! I was ready to love you back to happiness too! I wish I could have stopped you from the spiral you were about to endure. You were supposed to follow in my footsteps lil sis. Well, I guess your extremes were multiplied. You gave 150% at everything....
i only wish it wasn't this.

Have I told you lately how much I miss you? Yeah, well ~ i wish i could come up with words that multiplied what i felt. "I miss you" just doesn't seem to cut it.
You know what i mean!

You are gone, but you are far from forgotten! You're attached to my soul sis!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Camping Combs

Mary & Me ~ lil monkey's in a tree!
Oh Mary..... I have so many memories! Mom tells me how happy I was when you were born. She said I loved you and loved helping whenever I could. You were born to let me be your big sis. I get so sad when I think of the times we were seperated. First when you moved to Texas with Mom when mom & dad got divorced, then when I moved to Houston from San Antonio when I was 16 to live with our dad, when I went to college and never moved back home & then finally when I moved to New York when I was 29. So many times apart... but then I think of the wonderful times we WERE together. Those are the times I cherish. Those are the times I focus on.

We were so blessed to have each other!

So many memories are around the times when dad would take us camping or to his civil war re-enactments.

We were some camping fools :)!
Tent building, air raft blowing, beans & frank cooking, swimming, roasting smores and playing on the playground.
That's what I'm thinking about right now.... I loooooved being your big sis. Mainly because of your love you had for me. I miss you Mary!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Sister, My Friend

(this was the last picture ever taken with you.... the morning you got to go home....11-11-07)
My heart feels light, my eyes wet with sorrow, my body weak with sadness....at moments my life feels hollow!

I miss you so much sweet Mary! In your eyes I did no wrong. You put me on a cloud and loved me unconditionally. I am blessed with alot of love from my family and friends, but none like yours. You made me feel like a star even when I had no shine! I felt the same way about you lil sis. I saw no faults, only struggles. I tried to help but I couldn't help you in time. I know you are still with me and give me signs for me to see. For that I am grateful, but I can't help but to miss you. There is no'one like you (well, Kelsey comes pretty close ~ We will see!), my unique and beautiful sister and friend!
For some life is long -in matter of quantity of time!

For others life is
short with quality of time.

That was you ~ You lived life short and fast. So many accomplishments, so many hurdles conquered and so many blessings. You brought two beautiful children into this world and gave them the foundation they needed. They are strong Mary, just like you and will never forget you. Your love and qualities have been embedded. I love them like they're my own and will never leave them. If I could have them I would!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

You, Me & Dad makes three

You must be so happy.... being with dad again!

I miss dad so
very much!

My wedding plans seem to be missing something.... I was waiting for you Mary.

You were supposed to be my maid of honor - standing by my side.

Well, that's okay, Kelsey will stand in for you. You're lil spit fire! She is not going to let anyone forget you is what I was told....LOL, I believe it :).... me neither!

Having David give me away is really special. We all have a plan and a place right?

Yeah, I've never been one to go "by the book" or "followed the A-typical plan", thank goodness in this case. I don't mind improv or compromise!

How lucky am I to still have you & dad - as my Angels.
I know you both are there ~ Crystal Nicole too.
(I got your message too lil Crystal & I can't wait!)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Blue Signs of Mary

The signs are here, the signs are there, they're everywhere!
Red cardinals, blue spirit balls, answered wishes and heartfelt feelings....

A nest you made, in my tree

outside my door, for me to see!

Thank you Mary for not leaving me.

Blue balls of light, caught on film, brings you to my sight.
At Grandma's grave, you were so brave to show yourself ~ I see you Mary!

Thank you for not leaving me.

I love you more than words can say and just because your body's not here, I know it's in my heart your here to stay!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Thank you for your Visit

Dear Mary,

Momma called me today and told me how she felt your presence with her today in her car.
She thought she was going crazy, but your spirit was so "heavy" as she described it, that she didn't care if she seemed like she was going crazy. She felt you. What a beautiful thing sis, she so needed to feel your spirit to rest her soul. She felt a sense of peace and serenity after that. How incredible life is. Your loss is devastating, but we know we have only lost your physical self, your spirit lives on. Our eyes are being opened and our spirits are coming alive.
There is so much more than just this life on earth.
I love you so much..... I feel you everywhere ~ all the time! We are like one soul.

I saw the cardinals again yesterday, as I was throwing out the garbage. They flew past me and sat on the fence of the sump and just starred at me. Just enough time for me to feel at peace.
I feel so blessed.

I love the way you are everywhere!


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Memories for MOM

I spoke to Momma today.

She was crying for you. She was talking about missing her little Mary. She cried for some signs to know you are okay. Please do what you can!

During her cries, she was talking about us at Disneyland and going through "It's a Small world" and loving Disneyland.

I had to run home and post these pictures of that time she cried about!

She mentioned LoJolla Beach, California too.

So many memories..........
How interesting that she mentioned these two particular times in our life and I happened to have them scanned to share.

This seems to be the era to remember. . . . .
I was talking to my sister Lisa on Sunday, reminissing about life with Mary in Long Beach, California. How close we were and the things we would do.

How we would hide in the closet when we got scared. We would get ALL our stuffed animals, huddle close together and sing "Jesus Loves Me" & "Cumbyah my Lord" ~ songs we learned in Sunday School.

As we were talking, the biggest brightest red cardinal flew into the tree just 5 feet in front of me. I was speechless. Then a female cardinal followed right behind. I just stared at the beautiful birds so close to me and screeled with delight in Lisa's ear. Before I finished admiring or even wondering if they were real, they were gone!

Oh Mary, so beautiful, so sweet & so fast. Just a flash, that's all I got.

Life is like that too: Beautiful * Sweet * Fast!

Momma misses you Mary ~ We all miss you!

Notes to Mary

In addition to my blog, I write lil notes; sweet thoughts, to Mary when I'm thinking about her and just need to say Hi or whisper something in her ear. I know she gets them!! I filled this page up & started a new one last month. I just thought I would share it on my Mary blog. It's just one of my many ways to help me heal and most importantly, to keep our Mary's spirit alive.
She is with us! I feel her presence all the time and just love it when she sends me signs. (Not just cardinals either ~ which by the way still come into my path just when I need them! Amazing!)

Monday, November 10, 2008


I don't always get to know why things happen.
I may spend hours, even days, trying to figure out why bad things
have happened to me.
I may get caught up in trying to understand other people, situations,
and even my own thoughts.
Today I will accept that
I don't have to know why things are the way they are.
Instead I can pay attention to
healing, growing, and learning!

Sunday, November 9, 2008


I've been told that I need to forgive.... I know I do. I know I need to let go of what "should have been" and "what could have been". It was what it was. I don't blame Mary's judge for what she did, but I have felt strongly about how her situation was handled. The trial and conviction by the judge who handled Mary's situation had upset me tremendously. Her life was in his hands. The situation is too long to describe in my blog. It doesn't matter now. My way of expressing forgiveness is by writing a letter to this judge. I will be happy to share:

Dear Judge Walker,

I'm sure you know that my sister, Mary McCraw took her life on March 22, 2008. She had some demons she was dealing with. You did not help her with your mandate to jail. It may not be your place to look at a person's past record of life to determine the level of punishment, that is too bad. Mary did not have any sort of record. She was a teacher, a mother, an inspiration to all who came in contact with her.I hope you learn about the disease of addiction. It is not pretty. It is not prejudice, it gets the best of us. Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers.... Mary's was a late progression. There was hope, she was going to get better. Do you know Mary got beat up, molested and robbed in jail? Maybe you don't have any sorrow. I wouldn't expect you too.

I just wanted you to know that I have forgiven you for not stepping down from my sisters case when you should have. Because of your close relationship with her in-laws, there was serious conflict of interest. You treated Mary as if she was a hardened repeat offender... She didn't have a chance with you as her judge. No Mercy. So so sad. Well,we know who the real judge is. She is with him now! I pray for you and hope you learn the difference between someone who is sick and someone who is bad.

I don't blame you for Mary's death, but I do acknowledge the wrongful sentence you chose for a sweet soul that needed help, not shackles. She made a couple bad choices but you broke her. She's at peace now and I guess I have you to thank for that.

You can be angry for my words or you can put it behind you and make a difference in everything you do from this day forward. May God be with you in your work and home. I believe you get back what you put out there.

A Loving Sister,


Saturday, November 8, 2008

Moments to Love

Two Beans from the same pot
Kelsey, Kelsey Kelsey~ so funny! I have to write about her thoughts on Chili that she mentioned to me the other day. I laughed so hard!
I asked Kelsey the other night what she was having for supper. Her reply was:

"We're having left over chili, but it doesn't have ANY beans. What the heck are
people thinking of making a chili without beans! It's not chili without

I nearly fell out of my seat laughing. Only because just the week before Chad & I were grocery shopping picking out some chili to make with macaroni noodles (mine & Mary's way - we loooooved Chili mac), and Chad picked out some chili with-out beans. I had the same emotional reaction Kelsey had. Pure passion about the fact that:

"It's not chili if it has no beans!"

I told him so! Almost word for word what Kelsey said to me. So many lil things like that bring me closer to my sweet lil neice. She is a lil replica of Mary & has alot of my personality too. I cried sweet tears when I hung up the phone and swore I would never forget that moment that bonded me to my neice so many miles away.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Week of Emotions

I've been so busy.... I've had blog withdrawl!
Let me tell you about it by emotion:
10/31 Chad & I pick up my engagement ring
11/1 Mom's B-day & Chad & I look at two places for our ceremony
11/2 We realize we have to find a place asap to get a decent date so we drive by & visit 7 more places on our list ~ We decide on a place & a date (MY 40th B-day)
11/3 My baby nephew MAX fell out of his baby carrier & is rushed to hospital. Max has surgery & is in ICU...
11/3 Frantic about my brother, I had been calling & texting him for 2 1/2 days to tell him so much news. Finally get ahold of him 11/4.
During all this time I'm worried about Max & about Lisa
11/4 Brian tells me he has asked his girlfriend to marry him...i worry about how Kelsey & Brett are taking the news. It's been 7 months since Mary's death.
11/5 - 11/7 I've had several "Mary attacks" - that's where I just think of Mary & start crying.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

A Wish Comes True

    • October 13th, I posted a wish.
    • October 17th, I met someone connected to my wish.
    • October 20th, I met the one who could make my wish come
    • October 23rd, My wish came true.......

Who says wishes don't come true?

I made a comment on my blog how nice it would be if I could get Robin Williams autograph for Kelsey & Brett. Kelsey has made comments to me about how much she loved him. She thinks he is so funny! We all love funny - We all NEED funny!

August Rush is a movie Robin Williams starred in. The movie came out November 21st, the same day Mary was set free~ She was so happy to be with her kids again. Later, early Spring, Mary rented the movie and watched it with Kelsey & Brett. It happened to be the last movie they would ever see together.

I am so blessed to be able to give this gift to Kelsey & Brett. It's not only great just to have this autograph from one of their favorite actors, but for the special meaning it has as well. (Not to mention the incredible incidents that made it happen!) My mind is still in a state of shock how it all just came to be. It has to be some work of divine intervention. I wished upon my star!

Thank you Mary wherever you are!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

What do Angels Wish for?

Lil sis Lisa, Momma Sara & Big sis Jeni

We wish for more Mary, but grateful for the memories...

We wish for a different outcome, but will wait for the treasure in the end...

We wish for the broken hearts to mend, but will have faith your memories will help them mend...

We wish we were all closer in geography, but know our love makes our hearts beat as one...

We wish this life was fair, but know we can make it no matter what, as long as we have each other...

We wish to all be together, but our paths are where they are...

We wish we could see your beautiful smile and feel your cheers, but trust you'll always be near...

We miss you Mary...

I thought of you today, tear by tear. A little pond I made and a mascara smear. It hit me unexpectedly ~ I felt you near!

We love you forever Mary!!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Quote ~ for Mary by Thomas Edison

I read this quote today & I instantly thought of Mary... how true it is to her.

"When a man dies, if he can pass enthusiam along to his children,
he has left them an estate of incalcuable value"
~ Thomas Edison

Mary succeeded in this - she was fun and funny all the time (even a child). Although Kelsey & Brett miss their mommy more than any of us, they have been given a gift of stregnth and humor. They are so funny, even through their pain.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Amazing Connections

I had the most amazing day on Friday....

I met someone and learned something and gave something away.

I met a very special person on Friday ~ someone who has a connection to a blog I wrote a few days ago. It was as if I put it out there and this person was guided into my path. No coincidence. A common topic came up to my surprise, we are a part of the same kind of soul seeking lifestyle. All because I said "I don't drink anymore either"....

She told me about a meeting in the area and invited me to meet her there. I thought about it for a while and called Chad, as I spoke to him he yelled into the phone, "hey, there's a cardinal on our patio.... just sitting there!". Wow ~ that's a first. Mary was showing herself and so excited about this meeting. I could feel it!

I went into the heart of the Village - only a 15 minute walk from work.
I've been saying for months....

"I need to find a good meeting in the city"

"I need to find a good meeting in the city".

I have!

This meeting was incredible... I felt at peace as soon as I walked in. It was very cozy with a warm air of serenity. I found a spot opposite of my new friend and settled right in. I raised my hand and introduced myself as new to this spot. Soon after, they asked me to speak. Of course I said YES... I was due. It was the most incredible meeting ever! I met some wonderful people and heard some wonderful stories. I gave them as much hope and inspiration as my heart could give and loved them all even though I didn't know them. But I did know them.... they told my story as they heard mine! Togetherness with a common bond and a support of unconditional understanding. I floated out of there with promises to return & return I will!

I am being guided and I am loving my path! My eyes are open and my mind is alert... I'm ready for my destiny. The sky has no limits and neither does my way. I love you Mary, please stay!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Missing You


How sweet you were.....

I told you my heart would be open to you everyday and it is! My heart was heavy today with thoughts of you. I wish you were here. I can hear the screel of you sweet voice and the way you would say "Jeeennnni"! You had such an enthusiasm in your voice everytime I heard you. So excited ~ all the time. We were so happy to talk to each other.
No matter what mood I was in, my heart just melted every time I talked to you. I would just smile to myself on the other end of the phone and get lost in the world we were in for those moments of time dedicated to each other.
I wish we had more time Mary. I look for you everywhere. I know you can feel my thoughts and you try to comfort me with your spirit. You do, you do. Thank God for my memories of you, they keep it real. Otherwise I would just think our past life was just a dream.

Long Beach Memories

  • I remember how we loved the rain when we were little. I was 6 and you were 3. We would get our blankets and stuffed animals, open the door and just cuddle up watching the rain & count until the thunder struck after each light from the heat lightning. No matter how repetitive it was and right on count, 1.... 2.... 3.... BOOM ~ we would screel in delight. Oh how I loved you. My sweet lil sis.

  • Bunkbed buddies! HA, now those were some good times when we used to tuck all the sheets in the top bunk so we had a fort in the lower bunk & play operation in the dark.

  • How bout the time you let me cut your hair? We hid behind the couch as I grabbed a chunk right on top, I cut cut cut to the root - what a chop! I got in so much trouble. You didn't care. I looked just as funny since I took the scissors to my hair too. What a pair we were.

Monday, October 13, 2008

David's Guidance

Okay, I know ~ 3 posts in one day! Well, it's been a full day... good stuff. I just have to write to share about what my brother David just told me:

He does the 52 mile country bike ride (in the hills) in Garner State Park near San Antonio.

He did it this weekend & is happy to say he made it through this year. Last year his shoe melted. Yeah, don't ask. LOL.

Well, he completed it, but got lost at the end. No other riders were around and his map was not very helpful. He didn't panic. He said it was a tough ride and there were times when he wanted to quit, then he would think about Mary and she gave him energy and a push. She was such an encourager with her determination and stregnth. She was a great inspiration. She has run those paths in San Antonio and swam those rivers and biked those hills in triathalons! She was incredible. She was there with David and helped him through. At the end, when he was alone and lost in the hills,
he came to a crossroads and a sign that said "Dos Cardinals Ranch"....
he couldn't believe his eyes. WHAT A SIGN! He didn't have a camera to snap a picture. Not even his phone. He had to make a decision on which way to go. He felt guided by Mary. Within minutes he came to a small town of 2 and asked if they had a phone he could use. The kind lady kept asking if he had AT&T. Not sure why that was, but he made the call to his friend and got home safely. It looks like he has an angel and her name is Mary!

Thank you Mary ~

Jen's Secret


It happened when I gave my will over to God. I was tired of doing it my way.

He taught me:
To Forgive myself and my past wrong doings. They were past – not present, as long as I left them there.

Acceptance of my powerlessness. From there I was able to change. I became whole heartedly willing to listen to learn.

Openness and Willingness came with the acceptance.

Patience – to stay in the day and not waste moments of life projecting or assuming the unknown.

Belief. He taught me to believe in myself even with the wreckage caused.

Humility. I learned to humble my thoughts and quiet my negative mind. I filled it with positive feelings, thoughts and affirmations. I filled my cup of life with everything positive, right and good.

People, Places & Things. Anything toxic I got rid of.
I became grateful for what I have, not for what I don’t have. I learned that I may not have all that I want, but know that I have more than I need.

Peace, Love and Harmony have filled my world. I always have faith & hope in all situations. Everything happens for a reason.

Thank you Lord for all I’ve received and all that I’ve lost and the Wisdom from my experiences and People in my Life!

Thank you for my dad who has passed. I miss him so much, but know he lives on within me every day!

My Prayer to Remember:

I pray that you may help me always be a Power of Example.
Never a Preacher or a Bearer of Burdens and
To remember that with You, through me, these things are possible.


Mary's lil Angels

Remember this picture? Lisa's wedding...Brett was so cute ~ such a flirt that night. He danced with every girl he could. We were blessed with his fun flighty spirit. I remember just laughing and having so much fun watching him!

I spoke to Kelsey & Brett yesterday! They sound okay.... I know better though. They miss you so much! They are tough, they have inherited that inner stregnth from you. Brett is just so sweet & so friendly. He was playing with some friends. They were at Kelsey's best friend Camilla's house. Camilla has 3 siblings just like us. Thank God for Camilla & her family, they have really been there for Kelsey & Brett! I miss them so much. Kelsey today said she saw that movie "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"... She is so good about telling me the whole story when she sees a movie. She said you would have loved it! I believe it. Everyone knew how much you loved dogs. Chihuahua's especially. You loved those lil things because they remind you so much of us (lil, but full of life!).....
I saw that movie "August Rush", the last movie you saw with the kids. I loved it too. Kelsey said you didn't like the ending. I wish you were here so I can tell you how you should interpret the ending, you would have liked it then.
I was thinking, I have spoken to Robin Williams a few times on the phone due to my job. I wonder if it would be out of line to tell him how much Kelsey loves him & how August Rush was the last movie you two saw together and if would mind autographing an August Rush photo for Kelsey. Hmmmm, I'm going to see if the opportunity arises. Why not right?
Well, I'm praying I can visit them next month. . . I NEED to! My heart aches for them everyday.

You are still with us Mary. I love you so much!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Mary & Jeni Video

Push the Arrow to see a short clip of Mary & Me ~ xoxo

Friday, October 10, 2008

Sisters Alike

There is just something about this picture I like so much.... for one, we all shared the common bond of cheering and dancing! Each with our own special technique on it. I was the dancer, Lisa was the cheerleader & you sis were both! Just shows you, that you could do be anything you wanted. Anything you set out for. You always amazed me and always made me so proud! You were a wonderful lil sis to me, looking up to me and following in my footsteps and then you were a wonderful big sis to Lisa, loving her and including her in everything unlike alot of big sis's .... I bragged and bragged about you and was so overwhelmed with pride for you. Especially after going through what you went through in high school and then bouncing back into life with a vengeance. A vengeance of achievements! I love you so much! For who you were. For what you stood for and how you lived your life.
The other reason I like this picture is because of how it captured each of us.
Lisa, standing strong and tall, just like who she has always been. Beautiful and strong in her faith. You, sitting there so comfortably in the splits bursting with pride and an energy that is and was so contagious. I see it! Then me, just standing there as the power of example, but yet looking down as a big sister does, caring for you, just as you needed.
What a blessing to have what we all had together. Triangle of love. Three hearts that beat as one.
You are still with us sis and we have the memories to live on. We are your fan club and I am proud to be the President of it :)... hehe!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Bleeding Love ~ Mary's Blessing

I know this is an old picture, but I really like it... you & Brian were so young and so happy! Kelsey was just a baby!

I spoke to Brian today... it was nice talking to him. We share a bond ~ A love for you! A love from a depth deep in our hearts. It helps to talk to him. We went through so much together the last 2 years of your life. Just trying to help you through the living hell as much as we could. You had alot of life-lines Mary. So much love. I know you knew that. We all tried to love you until you loved yourself!

Well, as I was talking to him, I was standing outside Penn Station getting ready to catch my train home, when I heard above everything else, the song that I have associated with you since you left. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. The song was coming from the 2nd floor outdoor bar across the street. I love that song and it just seems appropriate to how my heart feels ~ like its bleeding. I listen to that song almost everyday on my ipod and I just think of you.... miss you.... cherish you!
I think that was a sign, hearing that song as I was telling Brian that you want him happy & you know he will marry again, but also that you know he will never love anyone like he loved you. I know you were giving your blessing to him. I also told him you were at peace now and know your soul.

We spoke about how you used to leave notes all the time - any kind. On napkins, post-its (especially lil purple ones), any piece of paper & leave it in the kids lunch boxes or around the house. Sweet lil notes saying how much you loved them and how wonderful they were. You were so sweet sis... so loving.

How lucky we were to be a part of your heart!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I love this picture. Look how happy we all look. Kelsey is having so much fun!

Thank God for my Faith... It lessens the pain. It doesn't take it away, but it certainly helps.
With my faith I can receive the blessings of spiritual heartfelt visits and it gives me the hope that I WILL see my loved ones again. The losses are temporary.
With Faith I have Hope!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Somethin to think about

Okay... i have a fun question.
Chad & I were talking about some good ol' times back in the 90's. That got us to thinking.... We've been a society that references times by blocks of years (60's, 70's, 80's, 90's).
What do say in a few years about the years 2000 - 2009? Do we say "back in the 00's"?

Do we just speak of them individually? Even the 10's... do we say teens?
It may seem like a silly question & I'm sure we will figure it out when the time comes, but it's kinda fun to try to figure out now. Think about it, if you have any thoughts, let me know :)...inquiring minds wanna know.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Moments to remember

Thank God for pictures and memories.... I remember this day. It was a cold morning for Texas and it was really really early (Mary time!)
I went to swim practice with you where you were a wonderful motivating coach. So many students loved and adored you. They looked up to you and your inspirational spirit. I was happy to experience that with you and as always, was so proud to be your sister.
You were so incredible in all that you did and touched so many lives along the way.

I had to add this picture below. It was the same visit. You loooooooved Taco Cabana so much I'm surprised you didn't name your kids "Taco" & "Cabana".... hehe. Just kidding. So pretty......

Friday, October 3, 2008

People do change!

I just have to share something funny ~ or at least I think it's funny & I know for a fact Mary would laugh & definetly relate to it because she has always been a dog lover... it wasn't until the very end that she started to soften up towards cats.

Chad has NEVER EVER liked cats. Pure dogman - all the way. Well, that was until Boo came along. I brought him home one day 4 years ago & said we had to have him, he was born on a VERY VERY special day. I had a promise to keep to myself & to him & if I didn't keep it, Boo would have to go away. Boo became my insurance to keeping my promise. Somehow, Boo has gotten to Chad & he actually likes him. I won't use the LOVE word because that would be pushing it....LOL. Boo DOES act alot like a dog the way he plays, fetches, greets us and begs ~ yes, he begs!! He even comes to our call & Chad has a special signal that makes him jump on his lap. Yes, its a bit amazing and i'm really taking a chance in putting this on paper, because as much as Chad likes him (without saying so), there's a part of him that doesn't like that he likes him. Like he's being unloyal to the dogman in him.

Okay, the funny part: Chad went to the pet store for me for Boo today all by himself & he told me he was embarrassed to be shopping for a cat... he associated it to buying tampons. I don't know why, but i just laughed & laughed & laughed at that. I still am. LOL!
Poor Chad - he's been Boowhipped! & he don't like it!!!
I'm gonna be in so much trouble if he reads this. I had to. This is a story so up Mary's alley!
This one was for you sis.... I love you and think of you EVERYDAY!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

No coincidences

The past few days I have been unusually sad ~ missing my sister. I've been blogging on this site. Today I chose to text my cousin how I miss her. Not too long after, she text me saying she saw Mary. When I asked how, she said she was at her moms and saw a little red cardinal hopping on the deck outside their window all by itself. My aunt asked "why is that bird there and what is it doing?" My cousin said, "That's Mary".
The cardinal is the state bird there in Illinois so they see them all the time, but they don't usually stand there just hopping about - as if trying to be seen. THAT IS A SIGN! Thank you Mary!
Then, as I was sitting on the train to go home tonight, I dug into my purse to try to read a book I've had trouble starting. "A new Eath" by Eckart Tolle. I opted to open it to the back of the book where the pages were white, unlike the rest of the book. Page 223, "The discovery of Inner Space". I started reading about a King who was prone to Happiness, but the the slightest thing, change to despair. he seeked help from a wise man who gave him a Jade ring and told him to rub the ring when he started to feel despair and say "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".
Now the strange thing about me reading this is that in a "reading" I had recently, the intuitive counselor told me my dad came through and was saying "This too Shall Pass" (along with other sayings - "No problme is a problem unless you think its a problme" & "Make it Snappy").
I truly feel as if my dad just came through to me by passage!
I was feeling a bit of despair and concious of it as I left work. I had just gotten news of yet another project needing to be made (and I haven't gotten a handle on the current ones), so I felt a little frustration and despair. As if I'll never be ahead of the game.
Then this! WOW! The signs are there! I don't choose the books i bring with me to read. They choose me.
Just for the record I've put another small book call "All things are Possible through Prayer" in my purse yesterday. A book I've had for 4 years given to me by Angie who passed 3 years ago. A very special woman in my life. I never read teh book, but felt compelled this week.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Mini Mary

I came across these pictures ... How pretty you were even as a child. I was so lucky to be your sis! You were the best lil sis I could have ever asked for! So many memories, so much fun!