YOU, DAD, GRANDMA, MAMA K , GRANNY BRANDON & UNCLE RICKY too.....
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I was going to visit Mary.
I'm not sure where it was, but for some reason I thought it was a hospital or jail, but in my dream as I got there, my feeling changed.
I walked into an open room with round tables at one end of it and open space in the middle. It was a warm feeling I got when I entered it. Mary walked over to me with a smile so spiritually warm I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was taking in every detail of her. She had her old body back. The fit muscular build she had for so many years before she got too skinny. She looked so confident and strong, yet sweet. Her hair was soft, long and blonde. The way you would picture an angels hair. Hers was straight with no bangs just like always. Her complextion was startling soft. So pure! Like a babies new born skin. She had a beutiful baby pink gloss to her lips.
I was looking for the oh so familiar pain I had grown to know for so many years. I was amazed that I couln't see any. I was happy but stunned.... for so many years that she was alive, I saw past her cheerful smile and energy and felt her inner pain. I didn't see any of that in my dream. It was peace I saw. Serenity ~ so Beautiful!! I woke up crying. . . . .
We didn't speak with words, it was as if we spoke telepathically. She guided my gaze with her eyes to a table in the distance that she had walked from. There was a young girl/lady sitting there with her back to us in a sorrowful slump with her head bowed - as if in emotional pain. A pain I felt that was close to home. Mary said "Look Jeni, a girl as beautiful as you - and I'm helping her". Mary was so happy and proud about it and I felt like she was doing what she was meant to do. It was a sign.
Mary is Beautiful, she is very much alive in Spirit,
she is an Angel doing good!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
The Holidays are sad this year without you Mary....
I pulled out some ornaments and came across the one you sent to me December 2004 ~
The year Chad and I got back together! It was so thoughtful of you... you were so happy we were back together you bought a sweet ornament with a fairytale couple in a globe full of snow. You were always so giving and caring like that.
I come across alot of lil Mary gifts..... It's so hard to believe you aren't here anymore.
You were a gift sweet sis and its our memories i will cherish forever!
Remember: "I never saw faults sis, only struggles" ~ you were perfect to me!
I love you! I love you! I love you!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
12-11-08 It snowed for Kelsey & Brett ~ in BEAUMONT, TEXAS!!!!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
What a very special day to celebrate. The world was blessed by his presence for 49 of them and I was blessed with 24 of mine with him! He is still with me in my heart & in spirit.
I know he's not alone today.... He is in Heaven with Our Father, his mom & dad, my precious sister Mary, baby Crystal, his brother Ricky and many many more!
I'm sure everyday is a celebration in Heaven ~ as it should be here. Either way, today's a day a I like to give thanks for my dad's Birthday. Without him, there would be no me.
What a wonderful dad I had! Thank you Dad for teaching me all that you did and encouraging me in all that I did and loving me unconditionally!
Happy Birthday Dad!
Friday, December 5, 2008
I was having a tough time then and learned that trip that you were too. You kept so much hidden for so long sis. You didn't have to. You knew what I was going through and you just loved me through it! I was ready to love you back to happiness too! I wish I could have stopped you from the spiral you were about to endure. You were supposed to follow in my footsteps lil sis. Well, I guess your extremes were multiplied. You gave 150% at everything....
Have I told you lately how much I miss you? Yeah, well ~ i wish i could come up with words that multiplied what i felt. "I miss you" just doesn't seem to cut it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
For others life is
short with quality of time.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
My wedding plans seem to be missing something.... I was waiting for you Mary.
I miss dad so
You were supposed to be my maid of honor - standing by my side.
Well, that's okay, Kelsey will stand in for you. You're lil spit fire! She is not going to let anyone forget you is what I was told....LOL, I believe it :).... me neither!
Having David give me away is really special. We all have a plan and a place right?
Yeah, I've never been one to go "by the book" or "followed the A-typical plan", thank goodness in this case. I don't mind improv or compromise!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Red cardinals, blue spirit balls, answered wishes and heartfelt feelings....
A nest you made, in my treeoutside my door, for me to see!
Thank you Mary for not leaving me.
Blue balls of light, caught on film, brings you to my sight.
At Grandma's grave, you were so brave to show yourself ~ I see you Mary!
Thank you for not leaving me.
I love you more than words can say and just because your body's not here, I know it's in my heart your here to stay!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
There is so much more than just this life on earth.I love you so much..... I feel you everywhere ~ all the time! We are like one soul.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
She was crying for you. She was talking about missing her little Mary. She cried for some signs to know you are okay. Please do what you can!
During her cries, she was talking about us at Disneyland and going through "It's a Small world" and loving Disneyland.
I had to run home and post these pictures of that time she cried about!
She mentioned LoJolla Beach, California too.
This seems to be the era to remember. . . . .
I was talking to my sister Lisa on Sunday, reminissing about life with Mary in Long Beach, California. How close we were and the things we would do.
How we would hide in the closet when we got scared. We would get ALL our stuffed animals, huddle close together and sing "Jesus Loves Me" & "Cumbyah my Lord" ~ songs we learned in Sunday School.
As we were talking, the biggest brightest red cardinal flew into the tree just 5 feet in front of me. I was speechless. Then a female cardinal followed right behind. I just stared at the beautiful birds so close to me and screeled with delight in Lisa's ear. Before I finished admiring or even wondering if they were real, they were gone!
Oh Mary, so beautiful, so sweet & so fast. Just a flash, that's all I got.
Life is like that too: Beautiful * Sweet * Fast!
Momma misses you Mary ~ We all miss you!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Today I will accept thatI don't have to know why things are the way they are.Instead I can pay attention tohealing, growing, and learning!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dear Judge Walker,
I'm sure you know that my sister, Mary McCraw took her life on March 22, 2008. She had some demons she was dealing with. You did not help her with your mandate to jail. It may not be your place to look at a person's past record of life to determine the level of punishment, that is too bad. Mary did not have any sort of record. She was a teacher, a mother, an inspiration to all who came in contact with her.I hope you learn about the disease of addiction. It is not pretty. It is not prejudice, it gets the best of us. Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers.... Mary's was a late progression. There was hope, she was going to get better. Do you know Mary got beat up, molested and robbed in jail? Maybe you don't have any sorrow. I wouldn't expect you too.
I just wanted you to know that I have forgiven you for not stepping down from my sisters case when you should have. Because of your close relationship with her in-laws, there was serious conflict of interest. You treated Mary as if she was a hardened repeat offender... She didn't have a chance with you as her judge. No Mercy. So so sad. Well,we know who the real judge is. She is with him now! I pray for you and hope you learn the difference between someone who is sick and someone who is bad.
I don't blame you for Mary's death, but I do acknowledge the wrongful sentence you chose for a sweet soul that needed help, not shackles. She made a couple bad choices but you broke her. She's at peace now and I guess I have you to thank for that.
You can be angry for my words or you can put it behind you and make a difference in everything you do from this day forward. May God be with you in your work and home. I believe you get back what you put out there.
A Loving Sister,
Saturday, November 8, 2008
"We're having left over chili, but it doesn't have ANY beans. What the heck are
people thinking of making a chili without beans! It's not chili without
I nearly fell out of my seat laughing. Only because just the week before Chad & I were grocery shopping picking out some chili to make with macaroni noodles (mine & Mary's way - we loooooved Chili mac), and Chad picked out some chili with-out beans. I had the same emotional reaction Kelsey had. Pure passion about the fact that:
"It's not chili if it has no beans!"
I told him so! Almost word for word what Kelsey said to me. So many lil things like that bring me closer to my sweet lil neice. She is a lil replica of Mary & has alot of my personality too. I cried sweet tears when I hung up the phone and swore I would never forget that moment that bonded me to my neice so many miles away.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Let me tell you about it by emotion:
10/31 Chad & I pick up my engagement ring
11/1 Mom's B-day & Chad & I look at two places for our ceremony
11/2 We realize we have to find a place asap to get a decent date so we drive by & visit 7 more places on our list ~ We decide on a place & a date (MY 40th B-day)
11/3 My baby nephew MAX fell out of his baby carrier & is rushed to hospital. Max has surgery & is in ICU...
11/3 Frantic about my brother, I had been calling & texting him for 2 1/2 days to tell him so much news. Finally get ahold of him 11/4.
During all this time I'm worried about Max & about Lisa
11/4 Brian tells me he has asked his girlfriend to marry him...i worry about how Kelsey & Brett are taking the news. It's been 7 months since Mary's death.
11/5 - 11/7 I've had several "Mary attacks" - that's where I just think of Mary & start crying.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
- October 13th, I posted a wish.
- October 17th, I met someone connected to my wish.
- October 20th, I met the one who could make my wish come
- October 23rd, My wish came true.......
Who says wishes don't come true?
Thank you Mary wherever you are!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Lil sis Lisa, Momma Sara & Big sis Jeni
We wish for more Mary, but grateful for the memories...
We wish for a different outcome, but will wait for the treasure in the end...
We wish for the broken hearts to mend, but will have faith your memories will help them mend...
We wish we were all closer in geography, but know our love makes our hearts beat as one...
We wish this life was fair, but know we can make it no matter what, as long as we have each other...
We wish to all be together, but our paths are where they are...
We wish we could see your beautiful smile and feel your cheers, but trust you'll always be near...
We miss you Mary...
I thought of you today, tear by tear. A little pond I made and a mascara smear. It hit me unexpectedly ~ I felt you near!
We love you forever Mary!!!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Mary succeeded in this - she was fun and funny all the time (even a child). Although Kelsey & Brett miss their mommy more than any of us, they have been given a gift of stregnth and humor. They are so funny, even through their pain.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
"I need to find a good meeting in the city"
"I need to find a good meeting in the city".
Thursday, October 16, 2008
No matter what mood I was in, my heart just melted every time I talked to you. I would just smile to myself on the other end of the phone and get lost in the world we were in for those moments of time dedicated to each other.I wish we had more time Mary. I look for you everywhere. I know you can feel my thoughts and you try to comfort me with your spirit. You do, you do. Thank God for my memories of you, they keep it real. Otherwise I would just think our past life was just a dream.
- I remember how we loved the rain when we were little. I was 6 and you were 3. We would get our blankets and stuffed animals, open the door and just cuddle up watching the rain & count until the thunder struck after each light from the heat lightning. No matter how repetitive it was and right on count, 1.... 2.... 3.... BOOM ~ we would screel in delight. Oh how I loved you. My sweet lil sis.
- Bunkbed buddies! HA, now those were some good times when we used to tuck all the sheets in the top bunk so we had a fort in the lower bunk & play operation in the dark.
- How bout the time you let me cut your hair? We hid behind the couch as I grabbed a chunk right on top, I cut cut cut to the root - what a chop! I got in so much trouble. You didn't care. I looked just as funny since I took the scissors to my hair too. What a pair we were.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Okay, I know ~ 3 posts in one day! Well, it's been a full day... good stuff. I just have to write to share about what my brother David just told me:
He does the 52 mile country bike ride (in the hills) in Garner State Park near San Antonio.
He did it this weekend & is happy to say he made it through this year. Last year his shoe melted. Yeah, don't ask. LOL.
Well, he completed it, but got lost at the end. No other riders were around and his map was not very helpful. He didn't panic. He said it was a tough ride and there were times when he wanted to quit, then he would think about Mary and she gave him energy and a push. She was such an encourager with her determination and stregnth. She was a great inspiration. She has run those paths in San Antonio and swam those rivers and biked those hills in triathalons! She was incredible. She was there with David and helped him through. At the end, when he was alone and lost in the hills,
he came to a crossroads and a sign that said "Dos Cardinals Ranch"....he couldn't believe his eyes. WHAT A SIGN! He didn't have a camera to snap a picture. Not even his phone. He had to make a decision on which way to go. He felt guided by Mary. Within minutes he came to a small town of 2 and asked if they had a phone he could use. The kind lady kept asking if he had AT&T. Not sure why that was, but he made the call to his friend and got home safely. It looks like he has an angel and her name is Mary!
Thank you Mary ~
THE SECRET TO MY HAPPINESS:
It happened when I gave my will over to God. I was tired of doing it my way.
He taught me:
To Forgive myself and my past wrong doings. They were past – not present, as long as I left them there.
Acceptance of my powerlessness. From there I was able to change. I became whole heartedly willing to listen to learn.
Openness and Willingness came with the acceptance.
Patience – to stay in the day and not waste moments of life projecting or assuming the unknown.
Belief. He taught me to believe in myself even with the wreckage caused.
Humility. I learned to humble my thoughts and quiet my negative mind. I filled it with positive feelings, thoughts and affirmations. I filled my cup of life with everything positive, right and good.
People, Places & Things. Anything toxic I got rid of.
I became grateful for what I have, not for what I don’t have. I learned that I may not have all that I want, but know that I have more than I need.
Peace, Love and Harmony have filled my world. I always have faith & hope in all situations. Everything happens for a reason.
Thank you Lord for all I’ve received and all that I’ve lost and the Wisdom from my experiences and People in my Life!
Thank you for my dad who has passed. I miss him so much, but know he lives on within me every day!
My Prayer to Remember:
I pray that you may help me always be a Power of Example.
Never a Preacher or a Bearer of Burdens and
To remember that with You, through me, these things are possible.
Remember this picture? Lisa's wedding...Brett was so cute ~ such a flirt that night. He danced with every girl he could. We were blessed with his fun flighty spirit. I remember just laughing and having so much fun watching him!
I spoke to Kelsey & Brett yesterday! They sound okay.... I know better though. They miss you so much! They are tough, they have inherited that inner stregnth from you. Brett is just so sweet & so friendly. He was playing with some friends. They were at Kelsey's best friend Camilla's house. Camilla has 3 siblings just like us. Thank God for Camilla & her family, they have really been there for Kelsey & Brett! I miss them so much. Kelsey today said she saw that movie "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"... She is so good about telling me the whole story when she sees a movie. She said you would have loved it! I believe it. Everyone knew how much you loved dogs. Chihuahua's especially. You loved those lil things because they remind you so much of us (lil, but full of life!).....
I saw that movie "August Rush", the last movie you saw with the kids. I loved it too. Kelsey said you didn't like the ending. I wish you were here so I can tell you how you should interpret the ending, you would have liked it then.
I was thinking, I have spoken to Robin Williams a few times on the phone due to my job. I wonder if it would be out of line to tell him how much Kelsey loves him & how August Rush was the last movie you two saw together and if would mind autographing an August Rush photo for Kelsey. Hmmmm, I'm going to see if the opportunity arises. Why not right?
Well, I'm praying I can visit them next month. . . I NEED to! My heart aches for them everyday.
You are still with us Mary. I love you so much!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
There is just something about this picture I like so much.... for one, we all shared the common bond of cheering and dancing! Each with our own special technique on it. I was the dancer, Lisa was the cheerleader & you sis were both! Just shows you, that you could do be anything you wanted. Anything you set out for. You always amazed me and always made me so proud! You were a wonderful lil sis to me, looking up to me and following in my footsteps and then you were a wonderful big sis to Lisa, loving her and including her in everything unlike alot of big sis's .... I bragged and bragged about you and was so overwhelmed with pride for you. Especially after going through what you went through in high school and then bouncing back into life with a vengeance. A vengeance of achievements! I love you so much! For who you were. For what you stood for and how you lived your life.
The other reason I like this picture is because of how it captured each of us.Lisa, standing strong and tall, just like who she has always been. Beautiful and strong in her faith. You, sitting there so comfortably in the splits bursting with pride and an energy that is and was so contagious. I see it! Then me, just standing there as the power of example, but yet looking down as a big sister does, caring for you, just as you needed.
What a blessing to have what we all had together. Triangle of love. Three hearts that beat as one.
You are still with us sis and we have the memories to live on. We are your fan club and I am proud to be the President of it :)... hehe!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I know this is an old picture, but I really like it... you & Brian were so young and so happy! Kelsey was just a baby!
I spoke to Brian today... it was nice talking to him. We share a bond ~ A love for you! A love from a depth deep in our hearts. It helps to talk to him. We went through so much together the last 2 years of your life. Just trying to help you through the living hell as much as we could. You had alot of life-lines Mary. So much love. I know you knew that. We all tried to love you until you loved yourself!
Well, as I was talking to him, I was standing outside Penn Station getting ready to catch my train home, when I heard above everything else, the song that I have associated with you since you left. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. The song was coming from the 2nd floor outdoor bar across the street. I love that song and it just seems appropriate to how my heart feels ~ like its bleeding. I listen to that song almost everyday on my ipod and I just think of you.... miss you.... cherish you!
I think that was a sign, hearing that song as I was telling Brian that you want him happy & you know he will marry again, but also that you know he will never love anyone like he loved you. I know you were giving your blessing to him. I also told him you were at peace now and know your soul.
We spoke about how you used to leave notes all the time - any kind. On napkins, post-its (especially lil purple ones), any piece of paper & leave it in the kids lunch boxes or around the house. Sweet lil notes saying how much you loved them and how wonderful they were. You were so sweet sis... so loving.
How lucky we were to be a part of your heart!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Thank God for my Faith... It lessens the pain. It doesn't take it away, but it certainly helps.
With my faith I can receive the blessings of spiritual heartfelt visits and it gives me the hope that I WILL see my loved ones again. The losses are temporary.
With Faith I have Hope!!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Chad & I were talking about some good ol' times back in the 90's. That got us to thinking.... We've been a society that references times by blocks of years (60's, 70's, 80's, 90's).
What do say in a few years about the years 2000 - 2009? Do we say "back in the 00's"?
Do we just speak of them individually? Even the 10's... do we say teens?
It may seem like a silly question & I'm sure we will figure it out when the time comes, but it's kinda fun to try to figure out now. Think about it, if you have any thoughts, let me know :)...inquiring minds wanna know.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I went to swim practice with you where you were a wonderful motivating coach. So many students loved and adored you. They looked up to you and your inspirational spirit. I was happy to experience that with you and as always, was so proud to be your sister.
You were so incredible in all that you did and touched so many lives along the way.
I had to add this picture below. It was the same visit. You loooooooved Taco Cabana so much I'm surprised you didn't name your kids "Taco" & "Cabana".... hehe. Just kidding. So pretty......
Friday, October 3, 2008
I just have to share something funny ~ or at least I think it's funny & I know for a fact Mary would laugh & definetly relate to it because she has always been a dog lover... it wasn't until the very end that she started to soften up towards cats.
Chad has NEVER EVER liked cats. Pure dogman - all the way. Well, that was until Boo came along. I brought him home one day 4 years ago & said we had to have him, he was born on a VERY VERY special day. I had a promise to keep to myself & to him & if I didn't keep it, Boo would have to go away. Boo became my insurance to keeping my promise. Somehow, Boo has gotten to Chad & he actually likes him. I won't use the LOVE word because that would be pushing it....LOL. Boo DOES act alot like a dog the way he plays, fetches, greets us and begs ~ yes, he begs!! He even comes to our call & Chad has a special signal that makes him jump on his lap. Yes, its a bit amazing and i'm really taking a chance in putting this on paper, because as much as Chad likes him (without saying so), there's a part of him that doesn't like that he likes him. Like he's being unloyal to the dogman in him.
Okay, the funny part: Chad went to the pet store for me for Boo today all by himself & he told me he was embarrassed to be shopping for a cat... he associated it to buying tampons. I don't know why, but i just laughed & laughed & laughed at that. I still am. LOL!
Poor Chad - he's been Boowhipped! & he don't like it!!!
I'm gonna be in so much trouble if he reads this. I had to. This is a story so up Mary's alley!
This one was for you sis.... I love you and think of you EVERYDAY!!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The cardinal is the state bird there in Illinois so they see them all the time, but they don't usually stand there just hopping about - as if trying to be seen. THAT IS A SIGN! Thank you Mary!Then, as I was sitting on the train to go home tonight, I dug into my purse to try to read a book I've had trouble starting. "A new Eath" by Eckart Tolle. I opted to open it to the back of the book where the pages were white, unlike the rest of the book. Page 223, "The discovery of Inner Space". I started reading about a King who was prone to Happiness, but the the slightest thing, change to despair. he seeked help from a wise man who gave him a Jade ring and told him to rub the ring when he started to feel despair and say "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".
Now the strange thing about me reading this is that in a "reading" I had recently, the intuitive counselor told me my dad came through and was saying "This too Shall Pass" (along with other sayings - "No problme is a problem unless you think its a problme" & "Make it Snappy").
I truly feel as if my dad just came through to me by passage!I was feeling a bit of despair and concious of it as I left work. I had just gotten news of yet another project needing to be made (and I haven't gotten a handle on the current ones), so I felt a little frustration and despair. As if I'll never be ahead of the game.
Then this! WOW! The signs are there! I don't choose the books i bring with me to read. They choose me.
Just for the record I've put another small book call "All things are Possible through Prayer" in my purse yesterday. A book I've had for 4 years given to me by Angie who passed 3 years ago. A very special woman in my life. I never read teh book, but felt compelled this week.
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES!