A Bird for me

See my lil brown dove? I see her all the time. She seems so much slower than the other birds and a little dissheveled. I look at her and admire her odd look and demeaner. Something is so sad about her. Something about her seems like she's tired.
I was thinking about my life and my struggles. My losses and my pains. I feel a little bit like that dissheveled lil dove on my patio. Too young to feel what I feel. I always knew I was an old soul, but never really felt "old". I have my moments and when I look at this little dove, it is me I see during those times.

Some Mary Memories

Mary, My Friend

As I reflect on my sisters life, I am just so amazed that she is gone.
Mary was such a positive loving spirit all the way through....
She loved you as soon as she met you. She didn't have a judmental eye!
She would look at you with admiration and listen to you with her whole heart and then she would say something positive about you to make you feel her love.
I know this because I would see her in action.
I would introduce her to someone and then just stand back and watch her in admiration.
Everyone who met her loved her.
That's why my friends instantly became hers.
We had so many fun times!
Bachlorette Parties, Baby Showers and weekend get togethers!
I loved being with Mary and am so sad she's gone.
We didn't have enough time together ~ I needed more time!!

I remember one of the first times I took Mary out on the town with me and my friends...

We headed over to the casual "Sam's Boat" one summer night. i always knew she would get alot of attention, but that smile of hers was so bright, the boys would flock over and I had to put up a fight - "Hey, that's my sis! Stay away from her!" I wished I could just put her in a bubble & show her around, but she had such a mangetic energy that people just flocked to her. I would finally tell her, "Mary, stop smiling" and she would try so hard it was funny to watch. She would have her lips pursed so tightly that the smile would burst through her eyes. How fun she was - so innocently sweet.

These are the memories I cherish and will blog them for you to enjoy, getting to know my Mary and loving her as she deserves!

My Robin

I've got a new little follower. I've been seeing it so often at such significant times. I mentioned it in my blog a week or so ago, but since then, the appearances have increased.

Just last weekend I was driving past an open field. During the fall it's a pumpkin patch, right now its just grass. I looked at the field full of black gackle birds and right in the middle of the pack was my Robin. It stood out with its beautiful red chest - it looked like it was looking right through the window of my car at me. It was an amazing moment I had just driving on by.

I was leaving for work two mornings ago - bright and early, before 7 a.m.! I live in an apartment where my door is in a breezeway. I was just reaching the end of it when all of a sudden, a beautiful ROBIN flew from the roof, right into my path and settling on a tree branch in front of my car. It just sat there with its beautiful red chest staring at me. I got into my car without a minute to spare but just long enough to receive the birds stare. I had to take garbage to the compactor across the apartment complex and as I got out - right before my eyes was the beautiful Robin in the tree by the chute. It just sat there with that same hard stare.

Chad had said to me that he hasn't seen a Robin amongst all our birds, but just tonight as we pulled into our parking spot - the wondrous Robin swooped right in front of our eyes and landed on that branch and showed Chad its here. It was very noisy tonight... as if it had alot to say. It flew from the tree to the tip of the roof of my breezeway singing the Robin tunes.

Funny thing how I'm surrounded by these birds. I feel so special, so protected and so lucky. I've always been aware of my surroundings and these bird visits are new, that I know! Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy with all these bird signs! It's so surreal...

Somehow I get the feeling the Robin is representing my dad, because its a special kind of energy of comfort I feel.

Kids on the Go

Well, I got the tickets for Kelsey & Brett on Sunday.

They are going to fly on their mommy's B-day... how special is that?!

It just so happened to be the day to be!

I wonder if Mary had anything to do with that?

July 31st is the day you see...

I tried for the 30th, but their dad couldn't make it.

So the day after will be the perfect day ~ for Mary's lil legacies!

Woohoo - I can't wait. It's their first flight!

I've already day dreamed of greeting them at the gate!

I Love You Dad!

I've been feeling you all around me, comfortiing me ~ thank you dad!

Healing with Lavender

3-22-08 ~ This is the day one year ago that Mary passed away...

In honor of Mary I spent the day doing things for her:

• I started out by talking to dear Laurie who gave me some news about some words that were said this horrible day one year ago. The words that pushed her over the edge and made her do what she did. She confirmed some things that I only assumed. God will handle this because I've given it to him! Besides, Mary told me I need to forgive.


• I went on to GameStop to buy lil Brett the Pokemon Platinum, in hopes to make his day! I spoke to him and Kelsey to let them know how much they are loved and the plans I've made for them to come to NY on their mommy's B-day!


• I went to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy some Lavender candles to burn in honor of our sweet Mary! Thank you Chad for this incredible idea. I've posted a picture of my precious Mary memorial at the top of this blog.


• I spoke to Mom, Lisa, Kelsey & Brett - reached out to David & Kerri! Nancy, Charlotte, Courtney & Bill reached out in honor of her day!


• I then went to Fedex Kinkos to scan some more Mary pix that I found in storage yesterday.


• I ate some Baked Lays potato chips in honor of Mary - one of her many favorite snacks. (along with pretzels w/mustard, pumpkin seeds and diet coke)

You are so loved Mary!!! We will not forget you! How could we??!!

Signs from Above - Daddy comes through!

Life after life here on earth is being shown to me everyday - everywhere!

My eyes have been opened and my heart filled with signs.

Just the other day - I woke as usual and walked to my back door, my birdfeeder is empty but your still at my door. A little cardinal waiting for me to say good early morning Jeni - have a good day. I gathered my things and had some garbage in tow. A drive to the compactor and a little dove out my front door. Upon arrival at the chute, a Red Robin I did see, singing a morning song looking at me. Around the corner the Red Robin followed, never taking its eyes off me. I looked up at the sky and said a Good Morning - Hi :)!

Off to the city with you on my mind, I walked up to a big box with "Malt O Meal" written all over its side. Filled inside the contents to see, were boxes of "Fruity Tooty" cereal. Could it be? Daddy was here - comforting me! Whenever I think of my dad - as I often do - its the box of Malt O meal that he loved to eat all the day through. So many times we went to breakfast, at IHOP the restaurant. I would laugh every time he placed his order; "I'll have the Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity" please.

So typical for this time of year, that my dear dear dad would come through to say "I am here for you"!

I know he is with you up there and what a sweet gift to see that down here too, he's still with me!

Our Last Conversation

It was a year ago today that I last heard your voice. We spoke almost everyday on my way to or from work. What a sweet lil voice you had that just melted at my heart. Your cries of joy or cries of grief were music to my ears. Even then before you were gone, it was always a treat.

We spoke about your family trip to the Schlitterbaum you had just days before. Your sounds of love and life coming back even better than before. You had such hope Mary, such hope!

You mentioned to me some worries you had about your lil Kelsey. You didn't tell me any details - that you wanted to spare. You said we would talk about it later when she wasn't in the car with you... you said, "don't worry, it's not an eating disorder or anything like that".... I couldn't wait to talk to you again, but that didn't happen.... you were gone.

Luckily I met your friend Laurie who you saw that night after that call and a month later I got to hear what your worries were because you shared them with her. I thought I would be tormented the rest of my life wondering what it was, but instead, you eased that pain and shared it to me through Laurie.

Yes, we have conversations now, but not like we did, my eyes are open and I hear your special calls.

Precious Moments & Signs

Words can't describe my love and gratitude amidst my pain and sorrow. Such a balance of emotions.

Today our dear brother David drove to see you at the place your body rests. With Amanda by his side to wipe away his cries. He got there to find you and place a cardinal charm, but couldn't find your exact spot because there wasn't a headstone in the ground. He searched the spot he remembered, not so long ago. He reached out to me thousands of miles away and my strings of love found Laurie who wasn't very far away. She stopped in her tracks and dropped everything she was doing to drive out to our dear brother David and help him find your spot. What a gem of a friend, a sister at heart. I praise her for her selflessness and true love to you. Thank you for my new friend, I know she is true. Unconditional love and friendship! I'm so grateful you had her & she had you. We miss you sweet Mary!

We all know how much David loves baseball and he knows you know that too. For him to find that baseball in your cemetary was a definite sign from you. He will cherish that baseball as if it was signed by a pro. What am I saying?! It was a sign from a pro!

Pro Mary ~ our Star beyond your time!

P.S. Don't worry ~ we'll get you a headstone to place where your body is buried! I'm sorry I didn't follow up with what was told to me was ordered... I can hear you say "that's okay ~ I'm always with you any way"! My sweet Mary, you always said that! You deserve more than that, so I'm saying back to you "It's not okay, so I'm going to make it okay - okay?!"