Saturday, April 11, 2009

This Time a Year Ago

The day before Easter, I was running around.... headed to the mall to get Chad some sneakers. He was long overdue. We stopped at his friends house to say a quick Hi. I was coming back to the car when I heard my phone ring. I saw Mary's # & had just missed the call. I was going to call back when our visit was over, then I saw a text from her # saying "Jeni, you need to call me!" The words may not be exact, but that's okay... because what came soon after would blur any memory away. I thought to myself, "Oh no, Mary & Brian must be having troubles". Then before we were on the road, a call came in from my brother. I thought I'd better answer because it didn't seem normal to get a call from my sister & brother so close. I couldn't understand a word David was saying. I thought I heard between his sobbing words that "Mary is gone Jeni - she's dead". I threw the phone at Chad & said "here you take this call - I can't". My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe, I just stood there in a state of shock watching Chad take this call. I had to breathe, so I took quick breaths and just stared at Chad hoping that I heard wrong. He was calming my brother down through the phone, so I knew what I heard was true. I screamed and yelled - "No, No, No.. Not my Mary! Not my Mary!" I started whimpering chants to Mary: "Mary, Mary, Mary.... why? why? why?" "No, No, No!!" During my cries somehow the next thing I heard was Chad talking to Brian. I was lost in my loss so I don't remember if Brian called my phone or Chad called him. It doesn't matter...... We asked how, when, why, what happend??? It was Brian calling and texting me from Mary's #.
She took her life with her neighbors gun around 1!
My mind raced and I couldn't believe my ears.... it was around that time that I was going to call her to say Hi, but i didn't because I decided to wish my friend a Happy Birthday first because I knew I would forget later. Oh how I wish I would have made that call... maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe she would tell me her woes at that time and I could let her know how valuable she was and how precious she was. Her life to me was more precious than all the gold in the world. She was not only my sister, but she was connected to my soul. Words can't describe how much love and admiration I had for her. Still do. I know she is in a better place and is busy doing God's work, but oh how I miss her sweet lil voice and beautiful spirit.

That same day, as Chad, Charlotte & Courtney were at my home helping me gather pictures for the memorial and make travel plans for the next morn ~ i stepped outside to get some air and noticed my first Cardinal. It was a bright lil bird that took my mind off the horror of the moment and actually brought a smile through my tears. The beauty of the bird instantly reminded me of Mary. So little, so bright and so beautiful!
That was just the beginning.... the cardinals live with me to this day.


Laurie Kolp said...

Oh, Jeni- that was such a tragic day. Don't beat yourself up for not calling Mary. She probably wasn't by her phone anyway...I had tried, but got no answer the whole day. Love you!

Susan said...

Oh Jeni I'm so sorry that you ever had to go thru that! Love you and praying for you!!